Saturday, October 6

Today I am in Chicago. I saw "Into the Wild" today. It left me with a bittersweet feeling. In some ways it validated an instinct I've had for a long time, that there is something out there that I can't name but that makes me feel like I have to wander. I guess that's why I've moved by myself a couple of times....I'm looking for my life. I really related to Chirs McCandless....not that I want to ditch it all and go into the Alaskan wilderness, but I can relate to that feeling of not wanting what everyone else thinks is the definition of success. Most people my age are married and have kids. That's the path, I suppose - how we define ourselves as responsible adults in most societies. So it's hard sometimes to figure out if you are a responsible adult if you don't have or want those things. I mean, I lead a team of people at work, I have pets, I'm a homeowner....yet compared to people who are younger than me with kids and a spouse, I feel like a little kid.

There's this passage in "Eat, Pray, Love" where she talks about the community - the relatability - that marriage gives you. You are adult when you get married. You are responsible. When you have kids, you are even more of an adult and even more responsible. So to deliberately step off that path is a scary thing - in our society, it makes you less relatable, somehow less of an adult, especially when you face up to the fact that you chose not to have those things. I could have stayed married and had kids - lots of people do - but I knew that there was some other path I was meant to be on that didn't involve faking my happiness in the name of familiarity. Now, all I have to do is figure out what the hell it is...